I am one of President George W. Bush's gardeners. Mr. George likes to talk to me.

Monday, June 21, 2004

A Visit from the FOXNews Team

Mr. George is still out touring the country with the remains of Ronald Reagan, who is still considered to be the Greatest President of the United States, even though he has been dead for nearly three weeks. None of the members of the White House staff came out to see me this weekend, but I did get an interesting visit from two fellows in a black limousine. Alan Colmes got out of the driver's seat. He was wearing a black chauffeur's suit and matching black cap. He opened the rear door for Sean Hannity, who was wearing yellow slacks, a green blazer, and a purple ascot. Hannity handed Colmes his briefcase, and the two of them passed through security and came straight over to me.

HANNITY: Excuse me, are you Lenny the gardener?

ME: Yes I am. What can I do you for?

HANNITY: I have questions about gardening. First, given the fact the John Kerry has voted for over 350 tax increases, and given the fact that John Kerry is a wishy-washy liberal who votes on both sides of every issue and somehow manages to consistently vote to the left of Ted Kennedy, it would be a travesty to let that Massachusetts liberal anywhere near the White House. This leads to the question: How do you get rid of aphids in a vegetable garden?

ME: If you catch the aphids early enough, you can just remove the parts of the leaves that have black residue. Otherwise, you can go with rhubarb spray, an insecticidal soap, or fatty acid salts.

HANNITY: This is a very politically divided country right now. When I hear about Howard Dean saying the president knew about 9/11 ahead of time, when I'm being called a liar by Ted Kennedy every day, or when Al Gore insanely screeches at the top of his lungs that George Bush betrayed America, we've got politically divided times. And in these politically divided times, should I stake my tomato plants or use cages?

ME: Stakes are less expensive, but cages require less maintenance. It's more important to use good soil with compost manure, and to pinch off the suckers that grow between the branches and the stalk.

COLMES: Thank you for your time.


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