I am one of President George W. Bush's gardeners. Mr. George likes to talk to me.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Sissy John

John Kerry is a sissy, as evidenced by the fact that he couldn't throw a baseball 60 feet 6 inches. I don't care how many boats he bravely commanded in the Mekong Delta, any man who cannot throw a ball all the way to the catcher has no right being President of the United States. I have made up my mind about this.

This got me thinking about how well our past and present leaders would fare in throwing out the first pitch. George H. W. Bush is the best baseball player to ever make it to the White House. The liberal media must have somehow discredited his baseball skills, so he should have been reelected. Gerald Ford was a solid football player, but I don't know how well he could throw a baseball -- obviously not well enough to get reelected. Bill Clinton could throw a strike, plus he played the sax, so he was bound to be president for two full terms, no matter how often he waged war against terrorist regimes to draw attention away from illicit hummers. Roberto Clemente had a rocket for an arm, but he died tragically before he could venture into politics. Adolf Hitler could throw a baseball about twenty feet, so he would be an awful president, not to mention the fact that he would cater to Nazi extremists.

I may be oversimplifying the issue. After all, being President of the United States is a complex job that requires many skills. At the same time, the idea of a sissy like John Kerry throwing out the first pitch for the next four years would reflect poorly on America. Roger Clemens would be a fine president. He's from Texas, he doesn't fuss over intellectual matters, and he's not afraid to bean homosexuals with his rocket arm. I like a Roger Clemens/Nolan Ryan Republican ticket in 2012, after Mr. George finishes his three terms.


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