Terror Alert Levels

I have taken it upon myself to drape a large colored ribbon at the top of the tallest sycamore in the rose garden. The color of the ribbon corresponds to the terror alert levels.

Red — Severe Condition. If you're home, put on your gas mask and seal your windows with duct tape. If you're in school, curl up under your desk. If you're on an airplane, God forbid, insist that the pilot land immediately. Use force, if necessary, but stay calm.

Orange — High Condition. If you're home, stay tuned to FoxNEWS on your television set. Check to make sure that a roll of duct tape is sitting on each window sill. Have your gas mask available. If you're out and about, keep your head on a swivel. Look for people who look Arabic or suspiciously European.

Yellow — Elevated Condition. Go about your business as usual, with only a mild sense of fear and foreboding.

Blue — Guarded Condition. This condition should occur only once this year. Remember to vote.

Green — Low Condition. All the terrorists have been captured or destroyed. Only under a green ribbon should you consider voting for a Democrat.