I am one of President George W. Bush's gardeners. Mr. George likes to talk to me.

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Software Glitch

Karl Rove came up to me while I was pruning the shrubs outside the West Wing. He was in a state of panic. The Vice President has been malfunctioning to an alarming degree recently, including the well-publicized encounter with the Vermont Senator who had the gall to accuse Dick Cheney of war profiteering. Dick Cheney suggested to the Senator that he indulge in a solitary copulatory encounter. Karl Rove thought the outburst was caused by a hardware problem, so he aked me to help him rewire the Vice President's circuitry. I insisted that we were dealing with a software problem, not a hardware problem.

"I believe the Vice President is allowed to curse in public only during times of war. Technically, we're still at war with Iraq until June 30. After the handoff, I think Mr. Dick can go no further than menacing stares."

"I thought the war ended back when the President landed on the carrier in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' sign."

"Apparently not. At least, not according to the Vice President's software."

"Golly jeepers," said Mr. Karl. "We better make this little sovereignty handoff sooner than later. We've got a campaign to win." He wrote a note in a day planner and left.

Now that Iraq is a sovereign nation, the Vice President should reserve his cussing to private meetings. If my theory is wrong, the Democrats may stoop so low as to accuse the Vice President of going insane.


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