I am one of President George W. Bush's gardeners. Mr. George likes to talk to me.

Friday, October 01, 2004

Big Loss in First Debate

Well, that didn't go well.

The mood is somber here at the White House. I've been sitting numbly in the garden north of the East Wing, playing mumbly peg with a spade. Mr. George did some of the things we practiced. He emphasized that Saddam was a bad man, that we must spread liberty and democracy by force, and that John Kerry keeps changing his position. But here's where Mr. George strayed from the plan:

* When John Kerry was criticizing the president, Mr. George kept sighing and wincing and rolling his eyes. The president looked like he was being scolded by his mother for drunk driving.

* The debate format was clear, but Mr. George didn't seem to understand how it worked. When Mr. Kerry finished and it was Mr. George's turn to speak, the president interrupted the moderator and asked to speak. Did he think Jim Lehrer was going to say, "No, Mr. President, I've decided not to let you have your turn"?

* Mr. George kept pausing for long periods. At one point, after he had paused for a long period, he said, "Please, just let me finish." But no one had interrupted him.

* Mr. George followed along with John Kerry's assertion that the greatest threat to American security is the proliferation of nuclear weapons, but he did so less enthusiastically and less eloquently. He should have stated that the greatest threat to American security is wishy-washy liberals who want to smoke pot and have abortions with terrorists. No that would have fired up the base!

Here comes Mr. George now. I need to go rub his temples. More later.