I am one of President George W. Bush's gardeners. Mr. George likes to talk to me.

Friday, August 27, 2004

How Mr. George Can Win

John Kerry flip-flops and didn't really serve in Vietnam — I know, because I was there, knee-deep in the muck and the blood. Unfortunately, the liberal media has helped him take a small lead over Mr. George in the polls. When Mr. George returns from his vacation in Texas, I will present to him my Four Point Plan for Four More Years of Fortitude:

1. Continue the negative attacks on John Kerry. This Swift Boat Thing for Truth is working great. Keep that up. These guys may not have their stories straight, but the important thing is that voters used to think that John Kerry won a Silver Star, a Bronze Star, and three Purple Hearts, but now they know that one of his Purple Heart awards is questionable, that the amount of enemy fire during the Bronze Star "heroics" wasn't really that severe, that he only fought in combat for four quick months, and that John Kerry was in Cambodia during Tet but not during Christmas. When you compare Kerry's bizarre, almost cowardly, war actions against those of Mr. George, who do you think will win over voters?

2. Capture Osama Bin Laden. Saddam Hussein wasn't solely responsible for the attack of America.

3. Emphasize your connection to Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Jesus wouldn't raise taxes. Jesus wouldn't let homosexuals get married. Jesus wouldn't let human cells be used for research. But Jesus would take the fight to the enemy in the War on Terror.

4. Allow another terrorist attack to happen. That is, ignore any terrorist alerts you may receive. For example, if someone gives you a memo like the one that said, "Bin Laden Determined to Attack in the United States," ask for more specifics and take no action. After the attack, you can convince America that a vote for Kerry is a vote for terror.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Mr. George Takes a Vacation

Mr. George is still in Crawford, Texas. I miss him. Sometimes I miss him so much that my heart aches. Other times I just miss him like someone misses the scent of a new car. I remember our very first conversation, shortly after he took office.

MR. GEORGE: Well hello there, buddy. I see that you're a gardener. Sometimes I like to do a bit of gardening with the little people. How ya doin'?

ME: I'm doing well, sir. And how are you?

MR. GEORGE: Pretty good, pretty good. I'm the President of the United States.

ME: That's what I hear.

MR. GEORGE: Yep, I'm the President of these here United States.

ME: That's great. You must be very proud.

MR. GEORGE: Every boy dreams of being President of the United States. And that boy turns out being that I'm him.

ME: Your parents must be very proud.

MR. GEORGE: That's right. I can do anything I want.

ME: Well, not anything.

MR. GEORGE: Name one thing I can't do.

ME: OK. You can't go to Mars.

Mr. George just laughed and walked away. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if I see Mr. George one day waving an American flag on Mars.

Monday, August 23, 2004

Draft Dodger

Mr. George just can't get a break. First, the liberal media got all over him for not having reported for duty when he was in the reserves during the Vietnam War. Then they pressured Mr. George to release documents that could prove that he reported for duty during that time in Alabama. Mr. George doesn't like to be pressured, so he said no. The liberal media then did a cowardly workaround and managed to convince a court to release all of Mr. George's military records. It was a wonderful opportunity for Mr. George to prove once and for all that he fulfilled his duty. Unfortunately, a certain portion of the microfiche documents containing the records had been destroyed. It just so happens that the destroyed portion covered the four months during which the unpatriotic press claim that Mr. George was absent. Coincidence? I think not. If these liberals will stoop so low as to destroy military records, what will they do next?

Here's all you need to know: Mr. George W. Bush received an honorable discharge from the military. 'Nuff said.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Fortunate Escape

One minute, I was standing at a magazine kiosk; the next minute, I was trapped inside a small box, wondering why my head was spinning and why I was wearing a black leather jumpsuit. I tried to shout, but the red ball in my mouth prevented me from doing so. I thought I was blind for a few hours, until a dim ray of light entered the tiny air hole. I don't need to go into the details of my experience for several reasons, but suffice it to say that I escaped and have now returned to my gardening chores.

One question: Why would any tailor omit the seat when sewing a pair of pants? This type of clothing makes no sense to me whatsoever.

Monday, August 09, 2004

Swift Boats

As a veteran of the Vietnam War, I think it's important for us to have a President of the United States who is fit to be Commander in Chief. Of the 11 men who served in the same swift boat as John Kerry, 10 support him as President, while the other is too dead to offer an opinion. These men are obviously supporting John Kerry in the same way that cops refuse to rat out one of their own. They are bound by fraternal law, which forces them to swallow their contempt for a man whose first of three purple hearts was suspect and who testified before the Senate that the war was being waged in an unethical, sloppy manner. That's all fine and good, but why would I want to trust the opinion of the men who were in his boat? I care more about those veterans who served in the general vicinity of John Kerry.

I trust the group of men who have stepped forward to claim that John Kerry is a liar who betrayed and dishonored his country. None of these men actually served with John Kerry, but that is to their advantage — they maintain objectivity in their distance.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Fahrenheit 9/11

I finally broke down and saw Michael Moore's movie the other night at my mother's request, and I have to admit that I was taken aback. Mr. George looks like a stupid idiot in that movie. Plus the movie subtly implies that the War in Iraq is not a just war. So this morning, while I was trimming the grass near the security fence, I saw a member of the GOP Rapid Response team eating a breakfast burrito on a bench. I asked him about the movie.

"Fahrenheit 9/11 is full of lies, Lenny."

"Thank God," I said. "What are the lies?"

"For one, the movie includes mistruths, distortions, errors, and falsehoods, for example."

"Can you give a more concrete example?" I asked.

"Yes. It's propaganda. The whole movie is progaganda."

"I was hoping for something a little more concrete."

"Michael Moore is a big, fat idiot. Don't believe anything he says."

This Rapid Response person wasn't much help, but then I used the World Wide Web of the Internet to find out more, and there are some half-truths and distortions. For example, the name of the book that Bush read for seven minutes after being told that the country was under attack was called The Pet Goat, not My Pet Goat. And there are other cheap shots and convenient juxtapositions in the movie. So it's true: Michael Moore is a big, fat idiot.